wandering in the dark

For three years we have had our house on the market.  I was going to write that we had been trying to sell it, but that would not be exactly true.  We love our home.  We have actually, probably been trying to avoid selling it.  But the time has truly come when it is not avoidable.  It has to happen.  Soon.

That has thrown me into a chaos of terror and sorrow.  Pam said that maybe the problem is that neither of us could imagine anything better.  So moving forward feels bad.  Feels like loss and capitulation and more loss.

On top of that, I need to find a new home for Amadeo, the beautiful, talented, complicated Andalusian that I no longer ride.  I want a horse-mommy or daddy for him that is a good, kind, wise fit.  Deo and I have have a terrifically long, fraught relationship.  Bottom line, I love him, but I am not a good rider for him, and he has a strong desire to do his work.  So hello out there . . .

With all of this turmoil, there is this: in order to move forward, I have to make a picture of something delicious, inviting, hopeful.  I cannot do that at the moment.  But I can imagine doing it, and that is a beginning.

 

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5 Responses »

  1. in order to move forward, I have to make a picture of something delicious, inviting, hopeful. I cannot do that at the moment. But I can imagine doing it, and that is a beginning.

    This is so very beautifully said. Thank you for these words. Sometimes if we just allow ourselves to wonder about the possibility, it doesn’t seem so scarey and overwhelming to move forward. The picture will show itself in time when your spirit is ready.

  2. Paula, remember when I had to leave South Dartmouth. I practised walking away. It was so hard. So deep in my soul. I hear that from you now. My true home is myself and I find beauty and peace in many ways wherever I am living. You will too. The universe will give you what you need.

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