Monthly Archives: May 2013

May31

happy boy

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Jules sometimes feels under-represented because he is shy.  He asked me to show you his picture in case no one knew that he is a 90-pound greyhound with a stellar racing history, now retired and living with us and his wife Guinnie.  It’s hard for him to be demonstrative because many things frighten him.  However, this is his most favorite thing to do other than digging.

Jules is reminding me to take a break, to play, to smile big even when I am feeling less than cheery.  The mind follows the body after all.

 

 

 

 

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May29

prisoners

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http://www.fastcoexist.com/

“Wexford knew that so many people are their own prisoners, jailers of themselves, that the doors which to the outside world seem to stand open they have sealed with invisible bars.  They have blocked off the tunnels to freedom, pulled down the blinds to keep out the light.”        The Veiled One by Ruth Rendell

I have been listening to The Veiled One, (wonderfully narrated by Davina Porter) and was struck by this quote.  It got me thinking:  what are the ways that I am my own jailer?  Where in my life am I not feeling, thinking, moving outside of the box?  Why?  What are the limitations that imprison me?

Here is a partial list:  habits, assumptions, laziness, fear, complacency, fear, rigidity, fear. discouragement, distraction, fear, confusion, sloppiness, fear, desire, expectation, fear, reputation.   And oh, did I mention fear?

Imprisonment can masquerade as rigor, diligence, obsession, duty, even love.  Right now, I need to go outside and look at the peonies and take a breath.

The angel card I just picked was “freedom.”  Where is this freedom?  If I close my eyes and feel into that, it is a multi-sensory, expansive, receptive experience of this moment.  So simple.  So easy to forget.   Dropping into that puts me in touch with this:

 

May26

embrace and surrender

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Photo:  Toni Gauthier

My friend Ann Carlson is a brilliant choreographer who is creating a new work, The Symphonic Body, to be performed at Stanford this week.  It is a gestural choir performed by 75 individuals from all walks of university life, from gardeners to scientists.  She has observed and distilled their gestures into this new work.  She speaks of the dance as being about embrace and surrender.

“This (self) embracing draws metaphor and meaning from the surroundings of the everyday. But during the making of the performance the embrace gives way to a surrender, there is a letting go of the individual identity into an experience of being part of something larger than the self. Symphonic Body is a social sculpture.

The particular choreographed gestures themselves become part of a larger movement tapestry within each performer and within the piece as a whole. So, these works, performed by the actual individuals who live with these gestures (as opposed to trained performers taking on the gestures of other people) exist in this tension between embrace and surrender, giving rise to questions about what constitutes humanity and aliveness in a given moment.”

I have a lot of questions about humanity and aliveness right now.  Questions about how to maintain connection to humanity and aliveness when thrust into a dark night of the soul.  Rage is here, grief is here, despair is here.  So are light, breath, and hope.  When the shit hits the fan, is it possible to embrace and surrender?  Is that a good idea?

Ann’s words about “letting go of individual identity into an experience of being part of something larger than the self” feel right.  Not just for my current situation, but in general.  If the individual identity is too big, too loud, then the subtle orchestration of the “symphonic body” of the self as part of something larger is lost. At least that is how it feels to me.  It is comforting to think of myself as part of a social sculpture.  Not one cast in stone, but in breath, gesture, time and space –  continually changing, undoing and remaking itself.  Embracing and surrendering one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Thank you Ann, again and again.

May26

letting go

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On the Ganges, wishing candles are released to bless a loved one.  They are a way of letting go, of turning it over to spirit, to the divine.  Twenty seven years ago, Pam and I traveled to India, Pakistan and Nepal.  We rowed out on the Ganges at sunrise and released the ashes of my beloved cat, and lit some wishing candles for those who had departed and for those who were yet to come.

Letting go is not giving up.  It is acceptance and an invocation of the forces of the universe that I can neither understand or control.  Here is what I am letting go of today:  a timeline, a particular outcome, my broken heart, any regrets.  I am holding onto love, I am keeping hope.