Monthly Archives: September 2012

Sep19

the heart of the Deo matter

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Photo:  Pam White

This was taken when Deo first arrived from Spain.  I was in love.  I still am.  That is the heart of it.

The world of the women who like him is oddly quiet.  We are all waiting.  I am waiting to be moved in either direction.  I am waiting for the foggy part of my heart to clear, and for what is best for him to ring me like a bell.  And that is what it is about.  What is best for him.  It is best for him to connect, to have fun, to be loved.  He loves to be ridden well and playfully – that is the part I am less good at.

Deo is not waiting.  He is being.  Today when I went to the barn he bopped me again and again with his nose as I stood talking to my friend Melvin.  “Hey!” he was saying.  “Hey!  Here I am!” I didn’t ride him because I pulled my back out rehearsing a new dance I am calling “Beast.”

So I let my patient Friesian, Sanne, carry me around the ring, to see if my hips would rock back into alignment.  At one point I closed my eyes and let Sanne carry me without “riding.”  Eyes closed, I could feel all the details of my hips, his back, and I could feel his mind taking over, protecting me.  I wept. Something sad, something thankful, something unknown.

 

 

 

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Sep18

cave of breath

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Today feels like a good day to inhabit the cave of breath.  I am going to ride Deo today.  I am excited about that.  I am also remembering what my friend, the sculptor and painter Peggy Kauffman, said to me about her horses:  “I never sold a horse, I just learned how to ride them.”  When she said that, I thought, “Yes, but . . . ”  I could not imagine learning how to ride Deo after nine years of NOT being able to ride him.  Now I think that maybe that is possible.  That does not mean I will not let him go, but it does mean that I have stepped over a big, thorny fence in myself and between us.

The wind is strong and balmy outside, and it is warm enough to take my work outdoors and sit where it is dry, and let the breathing day inform my heart and mind.  My hope is that it will blow out the current darkness that comes with making a difficult decision, that it will help me  listen, open and allow.

Sep17

the Deo diaries, part 4

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So this is Deo in his gloriousness.  Today he was ridden again by one of the lovely women who is interested in him.  She calls him “an angel” and says she loves him.  However, she would not be his new Mom.  She would be in the mix, but it is unclear how.  I told Deo today that it is up to him – he gets to let me know what he likes.  He does like her.

So now I wait to see what is next.  All of this is a test of my heart, my patience, my ability to sit in the unknown.  I will ride him tomorrow.

I don’t like the way money figures in this equation.  Don’t like that part of it at all.  Pam said, what if money was not a factor?  When I get to that answer, I will know what to do.

Breathe in, breathe out.

 (to be continued, but maybe not right away)